The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
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