What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
