im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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