Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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