party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
A bitchslap is in order.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
