I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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