When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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