The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
