the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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