i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
