I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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