The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
