Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You were trust falling into bushes
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
