I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
