Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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