At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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