I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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