new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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