Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
