Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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