She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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