i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
