We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
did i just pee glitter
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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