Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
