my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
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