Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
