you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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