the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
