Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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