dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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