im six kinds of drunk right now
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
