they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
