I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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