im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
im six kinds of drunk right now
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
