I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
