So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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