I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i was born a porn star she said
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
