Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize