i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize