Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
