I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
i think my cat just said my name.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
