A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
