If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
