I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
