I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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