I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
