im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my phone needs a breathalizer
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
