My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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