Too much gin, very little bucket
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
