we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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