I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
