i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
