So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
