She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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